My dearest, sweetest, hottest dudes of the world: WHERE DID YOU ALL GO? Where are your beautiful, chiseled faces?! Where are those jawlines and cheekbones that make cut glass look soft? Is that you, Jon Hamm, hiding behind that foot-deep beard? And Chris Evans, when did you steal my dad’s wedding mustache?
Come back, my boys; I miss you fiercely. And though I support your right to grow your hair on your face like a Chia Pet, I also humbly request that you shave off these 25 facial disguises immediately. (Oh, and call your mom—she misses seeing your face, too).
1. Chris Evan's '70s Mustache
Ah, the classic porn 'stache, typically reserved for adult-entertainment stars, dudes who wear jorts with white tank tops, and Chris Evans.
2. Jared Leto's All-Mighty Everything
Other names for Leto include J, Jared Joseph, and Poseidon, God of the Sea and Other Waters.
3. Brad Pitt's Scraggly Goattee
News reports say Pitt was last spotted heading down to Georgia, looking for a soul to steal.
4. Keanu Reeves's Choppy 'Stache and Beard
Harry Potter fans will be pleased to see that Professor Snape is doing quite well three years into unemployment.
5. Vince Vaughn's Mustache
And here, we see Vaughn modeling The Wishbone, a chic nod to the thing you wrestled away from your dog last Thanksgiving.
6. Jamie Foxx's Pointy Beard
Pop-up video fact: Foxx wrote the lyrics "blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol" after someone asked him, "Dude, what's with the beard?"
7. Luke Wilson's Baby Mustache
If mustaches could talk, Wilson's would just giggle.
8. Zachary Quinto's Call-Me-Big-Papa Beard
Quinto deserved an Oscar for his role of Papa bear in the Berenstain Bears movies that never existed.
9. Justin Bieber's 13 Facial Hairs
Remember that one time Bieber attempted facial hair? Neither do I.
10. Jude Law's Five-O’Clock Shadow
"It's five-o-clock somewhere!" declared Jude Law every hour of every day for an entire year.
11. Joaquin Phoenix's Everything
Legend has it that after this photo was taken, Joaquin Phoenix's facial hair came alive and ate his face. Womp, womp.
12. Johnny Knoxville's Side-Hair Things
Is it a sideburn? Is it a mutton chop? Is it a shaving accident gone wrong? Nobody knows, and boy, what a fun mystery that is!
13. Conan O'Brien's Scruff
Some haters will say that Conan looks like a bedraggled baby with his layer of scruff, but to this girl, Conan is actually just my husband (I love you—please call me).
14. Leonardo DiCaprio's Wooly Beard
DiCaprio is such a good method actor, he physically and emotionally became his The Revenant co-star—i.e. the bear.
15. Zach Efron's Skinny Mustache
Finally, facial hair that matches Efron's personality.
Yup.
16. Jake Gyllenhaal's Endless Beard-Stache
Gyllenhaal's facial hair is like an infinity loop—there is no beginning and there is no end, and someone please help me.
17. Dwayne Johnson's Puppet Beard
You already know Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, but have you met his twin, Dwayne "The Marionette " Johnson?
18. Andrew Garfield's Dandy Wildman Hair
Here's an experiment: Take your hand and cover up the bottom half of Garfield's face. Now leave it there.
19. Jon Hamm's Wooly Beard
If growing a beard is the male equivalent of contouring, Hamm is all of the Kardashians and Jenners combined.
20. Matthew McConaughey's Facial Mullet
Nothing about this gnarled scruff is alright (alright, alright).
21. Steve Harvey's Dense-AF Mustache
Historians will long remember Harvey as the man with three eyebrows.
22. Post Malone's PG-13 Mustache
Post Malone's mustache looks like two dogs kissing, and that's the first dog-related thing I don't want to screenshot.
23. David Letterman's Mythical Beard
Rumor has it that Letterman has spent his retirement moonlighting as Gandalf at the Brooklyn Bridge.
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